Saint and the Soldier

Written by HH Dalai Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu with Douglas Abrams, The Book of Joy The Dalai Lama said, “that there is an important distinction between forgiveness and simply allowing others’ wrongdoing.  Sometimes people misunderstand and think forgiveness means you accept or approve of wrongdoing.  NO, this is not the case.  We must make an important distinction.”  The Dalai Lama was speaking empathetically, striking one hand against the other.  “The actor and action, or the person and what he has done.  Where the wrong action is concerned, it may be necessary to take appropriate counteraction to stop it.  Toward the actor or the person, however, you can choose not to develop anger and hatred.  This is where the power of forgiveness lies — not losing sight of the humanity of the person while responding to the wrong with clarity and firmness.” “We stand firm against the wrong not only to protect those who are being harmed but also to protect the person who is harming others, because eventually they, too, will suffer.  So it’s out of sense of concern for their own long-term well-being that we stop their wrongdoing.  This is exactly what we are doing.  We do not let anger and negative feelings develop toward the Chinese hard-liners, but in the meantime we strongly oppose their actions.” “Forgiveness,” the Archbishop added, “is the only way to heal ourselves and to be free from the past.” As he and Mpho explained in The Book of Forgiving, “Without forgiveness, we remain tethered to the person who harmed us.  We are bound to the chains of bitterness, tied together, trapped.  Until we can forgive the person who harmed us, that person will hold the keys to our happiness, that person will be our jailor.  When we forgive, we take back control of our own fate and our feelings.  We become our own liberator.” “So what do you say to people,” I asked the Dalai Lama, “who say that forgiveness seems like weakness, and revenge seems like strength?” “There are certain people who act out of the animal mind.  When someone hits them, they want to hit back, retaliate.”  The Dalai Lama made a fist and pretended to hit himself.  “With our human brain, we can think, if I hit back, what use will it be in the short-term or in the long-term?” “We can also realise that obviously nobody was born to be cruel, to harm us, but because of certain circumstances, now he or she dislikes me, so hits me.  Perhaps my behaviour, or attitude, or even my facial expressions contributed to this person becoming my enemy.  So I was involved.  Who is to blame?  So sitting and thinking of the different causes and conditions, then you see that if we are really angry we must be angry toward the causes and conditions– ultimately their anger, their ignorance, their short-sightedness, their narrow-mindedness.  So that brings a sense of concern, and we can feel sorry for these people.” “So it is totally wrong,” he said empathetically, cutting his hand sharply through the air, “to say that practice of tolerance and practice of forgiveness are signs of weakness.  Totally wrong.  Hundred percent wrong.  Thousand percent wrong.  Forgiveness is a sign of strength.  Isn’t it?” the Dalai Lama said, turning to the Archbishop. “Absolutely, yes,” the Archbishop said with laugh.  “I was just going to say that those who say forgiving is a sign of weakness haven’t tried it.” “The natural response when someone hits you,” the Archbishop said is wanting to hit back.  But why do we admire people who don’t choose revenge?  It is our recognition of the fact that, yes, there are those who think an eye for an eye is going to satisfy you.  But in the end you discover that an eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind.  We have an instinct for revenge but also for forgiveness.” Indeed, it seems like humans evolved with both impulses and both capacities, for revenge and for forgiveness.  When psychologists Martin Daly and Margo Wilson studied sixty different cultures around the world, they found that 95 percent had some form of blood revenge.  When psychologist Michael McCullough looked at the same cultures, he found that 93 percent of them also displayed some examples of forgiveness or reconciliation.  Forgiveness may actually be so common that it is taken for granted in the other 7 percent. Primatologist Frans de Waal believe that such peace-making activities are extremely common in the animal kingdom.  Chimps kiss and make up, and it seems that many other species do as well.  Not only the apes like us but also sheep, goats, hyenas and dolphins.  Of the species that have been studied, only domestic cats have failed to show behaviour that reconciles relationships after conflict.  (This finding will not surprise anyone who has cats.) In The Book of Forgiving, the Archbishop and Mpho outline two cycles: the cycle of recent and the cycle of forgiveness.  When a hurt or harm happens, we can choose to hurt back or to heal. If we choose to retaliate, or pay back, the cycle of revenge and harm continues endlessly, but if we choose to forgive, we break the cycle and we can heal, renewing or releasing the relationship. Unforgiveness leads to ongoing feelings of resentment, anger, hostility, and hatred that can be extremely destructive.  Even short bursts of it can have significant physical effects.  In one study, psychologist Charlotte van Oyen Witvliet asked people to think about someone who had hurt, mistreated, or offended them.  She monitored their heart rate, facial muscles, and sweat glands. When people remembered their bridges, they had a stress response–their blood pressure and heart rate increased and they began to sweat.  They felt sad, angry, intense, and less in control.  When they were asked to empathise with their offenders and to imagine forgiving them, their stress responses returned to normal.  As social animals, it is very stressful for us, and for the whole group, when there is rupture in the relationships that bind us together. Peace, respect & love, Lak #saintforgiveness #soldierprotection #selfmastery #masteryourlife #martialmindpower